Everyone always complains about her (including myself), but she has her days where she really surprises me. Brittany set up this awesome course in the indoor, and I wanted to ride it so bad but I can’t with Polly! So I rode Kenzie today and despite it being 30 degrees out she killed every jump and it was like I had never stopped riding her everyday. I love that horse<3 As much as I think she’d be an awesome mini-medal horse for a little kid, I deep down want Ellie to buy her so she’ll never leave me and also her and Elton are soulmates heheheeeee

I learned that a 16 year old girl won the FEI Grand Prix at Spruce this year against 70 other riders and I can’t decide within myself if that is going to inspire me to ride harder or just launch me into a downward spiral inside the pathetic realization that I am almost 20 and still haven’t won anything nationally (let alone internationally) recognized and probably won’t before I die. Except really I just know that Polly can do amazing things, because she is so naturally talented when she is in work/not lame. I’m just so amazed, like that’s incredible she’s 16. Whatever, I love Polly and I know she could easily do great things I just wish she wasn’t broken <3

I’m not “one of those people” who hates the government or hates society and voices it often, but sometimes when I think deeply about it I feel that rage towards our society inside myself. Everyday I watch people I love and care about battle with themselves and the body they have to live in and it depresses me when I think about it. They build up within themselves the motivation and plan to change their lifestyle to change the size of their body. They make plans and they feel like they’re “really going to do it this time”, and I watch them struggle. And sometimes I’ll get home late and there it is, there will be the paper remainders of their break down poorly hidden in the trash can. I can’t speak for them but I feel like they feel guilty for it. For indulging themselves after they had finally forced themselves to submit to the pressure the world rests on them everyday to be “thinner”. I hate this. I hate the feeling I get when I watch people try hopelessly to attack this endless battle with food. I hate how it has such an emotional effect on all of us. I understand that being healthy is not something to turn your back on, but I hear my own mother talk about how she would kill to be “even just a size 6”. I hear the deep self-loathing and plain sadness in her voice as she flips through her old clothing that she can’t wear and sighs at her own fucking reflection in the mirror everyday. Or when we are shopping I watch her take a risk and buy an item of clothing that in her opinion is not suited for her body type, I watch the dull static in her eyes light up as she buys it and then fade back when she gets home only to realize they don’t fit. This is what really hurts me. My mother is the best woman I know, and yet feels like something less than that because of her appearance. Well fuck that. I hate how there is this silent yet overpowering message being shoved in our faces everyday that we need to be thin to be beautiful. It makes me physically unsettled to realize that my own mother, the woman who I look up to the most and who is stronger than anyone I know, has actually fallen victim to the horrible tragedy created by the media and perpetuated by our entire society. There is no way to end this. I’m just sad that most people, even the people living within the ridicule, can be so fucking lost beneath these ideas that influence our culture. I wish it just didn’t matter sometimes. 

I know that nobody cares but for the first time in like a month I got out of BOTH jobs super early so now I have a solid 3 hours where I can lay in my bed and do nothing. I am gonna cry of happiness uggh

It’s strange to feel this way about another person. Up until now any romantic involvement I had with the opposite sex has been, for lack of a better word, one-sided. And by one-sided, I mean that I would feel a fluctuating lack of interest in the other person after a short amount of time. I have been stuck in a hole with boys, allowing them to drain my entire body of any feeling until I have not only fallen “out of love”, but fallen into this seemingly irrational feeling of resentment towards them and myself. I thought I would take a very long time to have the effort to risk feeling that way again, but I’m a teenage girl and no matter how hard it may be, it is still possible for that one person to just appear in my life and knock the fucking sense out of me, to take my feet off the ground and cause me to forgetfully fall backwards into feeling something I swore I didn’t even believe in. Now I feel honestly like I blinked my eyes a few times and my whole life is in a headstand. I haven’t spent even one random week night being at least slightly drunk in over 3 weeks, I haven’t spent most of my time hanging out with random boys trying to figure out what was “missing in my life”. I don’t need to do those stupid things, because I feel happy and I feel like I am floating above the way I used to be, looking down on this vacant version of myself. It has been a while since I felt that hollow-hearted feeling like I could never love anything or anyone, and didn’t want to search for the effort to change that. It has been a while since I felt physically unsettled by the thought of letting another person affect my life- letting another person interfere with my selfish lifestyle, letting another person take up space in my brain and my “heart” and my daily actions. I don’t even understand what happened, I don’t even understand if I should be allowed to feel this way, I have no clear recollection of how it happened because it is all a blur of something that looks pretty and feels imaginary. I know that nothing is permanent, but it doesn’t bother me because at least things can be perfect at some point if it’s for a minute or for months, I think it might exist.

Lately I feel like I have been living outside my usual comfort zone, but am getting comfortable in it (if that makes any sense). I do fun/crazy things I never would usually do, I feel like everything around me is prettier, I feel excited to do things I have never done before, and go out and run around and be outside and look at the sky and I hate how I sound saying this, but it’s honestly how I feel. I have never felt so irrationally hopeful and enthusiastic about getting up everyday. My heart literally flutters more often than not during the day, it’s pathetic and stupid and I don’t care that much. Nothing in my life has ever seemed so perfect, until now.

This is what I get for taking an adderall at 6pm, it’s only 11:28 and all I wanna do is go out and be really destructive to property/humans/laws/myself with my best girl except um oh yeah she has a normal sleep schedule. Especially considering we both have to work together tomorrow at 8, le oops?